comprehend?

I'm plain bored today. At work now. Boss went to Malacca so pretty much I have nothing to do.Well got la some things to do but I dread it. I have to calculate the estimation of the deceased's assets. And I hate maths so so much.
Something worng with my office's internet. Usually I listen to fly fm online. Usually it works fine. It does not need to buffer frequently. But today it buffers every 10 seconds..basically no music..no life..
Things has been a whirlwind for me. Its easy to say to go with the flow. Groove with the beat of the rythm. But for me its not. I always tend to over-decipher things. Friends call me a high strung person. Its a good thing if you studying and working but not with your personal life.
Maybe my expectations are too high.
I told myself I need to be independent but why I get so worked up if he doesn't call or text? or he does not date me the usual way? deep down I'm just weak. he is different. i am different. we are both trying to take things slow. but how slow can it get? i have fun going out with him. but there is still something lacking. inadvertently i'm comparing him with allan and its not fair to both of us. and maybe he is comparing me and his ex too. gosh..both of us has issues and i'm not sure whether to go on with it. like him? yes..but i dunno how to say no, that we are not ready..but when he's out with me..i like it..then when i came back i feel all sorts of emotion as if something is telling me this is not healthy, this is not right..
the thing is i expect to be swept away off my feet...when people try to court me... but he did not. he told me he loved his ex too much that he does not have the heart to do it again. i told him i am different..hmm..not that i expect love at this moment..gosh love is too damn remote for me. but its unfair to me if u want to go out with me and not care for me like guys usually do to girls when they date.i told him that..he says he understands. his love lesson learned was that not to spoil a girl too much and my love lesson learned was not to dependent on a guy. on the surface..seems perfect right..i'm not too dependent..but i'm still a girl..i still need those mushy TLC..he says he moved on..i told him once if he is still lingering on her ex then we just better remain friends. he says he's not..told me that both out breakups are in the past and told me he want "this thing" to mean something. this is our third time "this thing" has started. i din expect there will a be a 3rd time cause i seriously, honestly thinks we shud just remain friends.he told some of his friends n family i'm his gf. but i sure dun feel like it..if he says he can treat his ex so damn good..then i shud deserve that treatment. but i'm not getting any. so its unfair. period. we usually go out with his best fren n gf. go to gym n dinners with the other couple. rarely its just both of us till i told him i want to go out for dinner with him. which subsequently he took me out for diner. he did show his care in some way or another..he bought hair product for me knowing my hair was dry..he test drove my car n offered to pay half to overhaul..which i've yet to agree..belanja me for movies n couple of dinners which is always with his frens. sometimes he's hot ..sometimes he's cold..or at least how i felt..

i told him how i felt..well partly..i dunno why i cannot just be brutally honest with him..
i dunno if u guys out there understand what i'm going through..i just need to let it out. leave comments to tell me what you think..what shud i do?

2008..such a dramatic year for me..sigh..life still goes on..i just have to hang in there..i believe things will be clearer and better in time. in the mean time i just need to calm myself. not overthink stuff..just try to be in the zen mode..the beach mode..the chill mode..